


Disappeared

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-13 15:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7981393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you do the wrong thing for the right reason</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended
> 
> I am not sure how often I will be updating this story - it is fighting me at the moment - but I promise to finish it so I am posting it as an impetus to do just that

_Dear Tommy_

_By now Hillier will have told you that I have resigned, and that I have taken annual leave in lieu of my notice. I know that this is the coward’s way out, but I also know if I speak to you face to face you will try to change my mind._

_The years that I have spent working with you have been some of the happiest of my life. I have learnt so much from you, and I value each and every moment we have spent together. You have been my dearest friend, and I can only apologise if you feel that this letter has somehow betrayed that friendship. I want you to know that my reason for leaving is personal, I can’t explain it any more than that; but please believe me when I say that it is nothing that you have done, nor is it anything you should have done but didn’t._

_Please don’t try and contact me, it has to be this way, I hope you understand._

_Thank you for everything; I owe you so much more than I could ever hope to repay. I hope that you can find it in your heart not to hate me._

_Barbara_

It is only half an hour since Hillier called me into his office, told me that Barbara had resigned and then handed me a letter from her, but it feels as if time has stopped. I didn’t see this coming; I had no idea that there was anything wrong, or that she was planning on leaving the force, on leaving me.

I reach for my mobile and call her home number. An impersonal computer generated voice informs me that the number I am calling is no longer in service. I end the call and hurl my phone onto the passenger seat of the Bristol. This is like Helen all over again.

I had asked Hillier if Barbara had given him a reason for leaving, but he said that she hadn’t. He had told me that she seemed detached and almost clinical when she had handed in her notice. He also told me that he had tried to change her mind, offering her a sabbatical so that she could sort out whatever was bothering her but she had refused.

Her letter is cool and remote, it is as if she were writing to a casual acquaintance, not someone who has been part of her life for nearly ten years, someone who is her best friend. We’ve been through so much together; I cannot accept that our friendship ends like this.

~*~

I dropped my bags onto the floor and closed the door to the hotel room behind me. I leant my back against it and finally gave in to the tears that I had been fighting all day. I was exhausted, but I could now drop the front that I had been wearing for the last six weeks. It had been incredibly hard work making sure that no one around me knew what was going on in my life, what I had planned.

I hadn’t seen any of this coming. My life, well I was finally in a good place. Tommy and I were closer than we had ever been, he was the most important person to me, and we spent virtually every waking hour together. And then it happened.

It had been a routine smear test, not the most pleasant of experiences for any woman, but it had to be done. I didn’t expect there to be any problem, there hadn’t been before, so once the test was done I hadn’t given it a second thought. Two weeks later I received a call from the surgery telling me that I needed to come in to discuss the results. The call had come at a really inconvenient time, Tommy and I had just arrived at a murder scene and I was prepared to say anything just to get them off the phone and stop him glaring at me with annoyance, so I told them that I would call them back, put my phone on silent and then promptly forgot all about it.

Four days had passed before I even had time to think about calling anyone. I had got home from finishing up the case to find a letter on my doormat marked urgent and messages on my answerphone. I made a mental note to call the very next morning.

~*~

I pulled into a parking space outside Barbara’s flat. I had hoped that she would be there so that we could talk, but I could tell from the kerb that there was no one home. The ‘for sale’ sign outside made my heart sink even lower; this showed that she was serious about leaving, and it was going to prove harder to find her than I had thought. I wouldn’t give up though. Something was going on in Barbara’s life, something significant, and I wanted to be there to support her and help her, even if she didn’t want me to be.

~*~

When I called the surgery they insisted that I come in that morning to speak to someone. They wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone so I had sneaked off in my lunchbreak to avoid having to ask Tommy for time off.

I came out of the appointment feeling shell-shocked. I had been given so much information that my head was spinning; I wasn’t even sure that I had heard everything that the doctor had said, but the words abnormal cells were echoing in my brain. I looked down at the letter I had been given, it was for a colposcopy appointment, and at the same time a biopsy. I had to go right away.

~*~

I sat at my desk wracking my brain for a clue as to where to look for Barbara. I had to get past the hurt of her leaving me and start thinking rationally. I should start with Lafferty and Nkata, perhaps she had let something slip to them.

I stepped out into the office, “Winston, do you have a moment?” I didn’t wait for his reply, instead I turned on my heel and assumed that he would follow me. As I sat back down I gestured for him to do the same.

“What can I do for you Sir?”

“AC Hillier has advised me that Barbara has resigned with immediate effect. I wondered if you had any idea why.”

“Barb has resigned?” Winston looked shocked, and that answered my question as to whether or not he or Lafferty knew what was going on. 

“Yes.”

“Didn’t you know Sir? I mean, I thought she would have discussed it with you.”

“No Winston, I was as surprised as you are. I was hoping that she would have discussed it with you and Stuart Lafferty. Not only has she resigned, she has put her flat on the market and her phone number has been disconnected.”

“Do you think there is something wrong Sir? I mean; this isn’t typical behaviour for Barb. Perhaps we should call Stuart and ask him if he has heard from her.”

“Can I leave that up to you? I am going to call Fiona Knight and see if Barbara has been in contact with her.”

~*~

I sat in the waiting room at the hospital and all I could think about was what I would say to Tommy. I had told him that I had some errands to run but I wouldn’t be late. Now I was, and I had to turn my phone off so he wouldn’t be able to contact me. I could only hope that he would be too tied up to notice.

“Barbara Havers?”

I nodded, stood, and then followed the nurse along the corridor. I was shaking like a leaf and felt as if I were walking to my doom.

~*~

It was weeks since Barbara had resigned, and no one had been able to shed any light on why she had left or where she was. As much as I didn’t like it, life had to go on. I was now partnered with Winston and, while I was glad it was someone that I knew and had worked with before, it wasn’t the same as working with Barbara.

When I had any spare time I had continued my efforts to try and track her down, but I kept hitting dead ends. My emotions swung from anger to frustration and everything in between. I had exhausted every single avenue that was legally open to me; I really didn’t know what more I could do, I hated feeling so helpless and useless, and more than once I sought refuge in a bottle of whiskey.

Winston and I were on our way to St Thomas’ hospital to interview a witness who had been injured when intervening during an attempted abduction. As we pulled into the car park I noticed that Winston was staring open mouthed out of the side window of the Bristol. I followed his gaze, and then braked suddenly. Walking across the car park was Barbara.

~*~

I saw the Bristol and my heart sank, but I didn’t give any outward sign that I had noticed it and kept walking. I should have known there was a possibility that one day our paths would cross, but I had done my best to not think about it, especially as I already had far too much actual stuff to worry about without thinking about possibilities.

“Barbara?”

I kept my head down and didn’t respond, even though I could hear Tommy chasing after me.

“Barbara, wait, please, I just want to talk to you.”

My heart sank even further, but I knew that I had to talk to him. I stopped and turned around to face him.

“Hello Tommy.”

~*~

I looked at Barbara and was shocked by her appearance; she looked so pale and exhausted that the fact that she had called me by my given name instead of her usual sir almost went completely over my head. I took a step towards her and put my hand on her arm.

“I’ve been so worried about you.”

I realised that Winston was loitering by the car. Almost dismissively I called to him over my shoulder, my eyes never leaving Barbara’s, “Nkata, go and interview the witness and then head back to the MET.” I didn’t give him the chance to disagree, and to his credit he didn’t argue, instead he walked past us, “nice to see you Barb.”

“You too Winnie.”

I waited until he was out of earshot before I continued.

“I tried to contact you.”

“I asked you not to; but I suppose I was stupid to think that you would actually listen to me.”

“You left without giving any reason. Your letter, it was so, so cold. It was like all our years together, our friendship, they meant nothing.”

“Then I apologise for not being as articulate as you; I’ve only had an Acton education or did you forget?”

I took hold of her other arm and pulled her towards me.

“Don’t Barbara, just don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t go back to being how you were when we first met. We’ve come so far Barbara; we’ve admitted that each of us are the reason that the other gets up in the morning. What we have is special, it is beyond explanation. Something is going on with you, I can tell that just by looking at you. Don’t shut me out Barbara, let me help you.”

She shook her arms free and glared up at me. “I don’t want your help. I would have thought that my letter told you that. This isn’t something that you can fix with a quick wave of your magic platinum credit card; this is my life, and it is real, and it is hard, and it’s what I have to deal with!”

“Barbara, please. Whatever this is; whatever you are going through, you don’t have to go through it on your own. Please talk to me; don’t just shut me out and walk away. You mean the world to me, and it is killing me to see you like this, just as it is killing me not to have you in my life any more. I want to be there for you, however I can be. Let me do what I can, I’m begging you. Don’t treat me like Helen did; I can’t take that again, not from you.”

~*~

His words cut me to the bone. Never once had I considered that my actions would remind him of Helen’s behaviour towards him after their baby had died; of how she had walked out on him leaving just a note. I had been so wrapped up in my own little world, so single minded in my approach. I reached up with a shaky hand and stroked the side of his face and he leaned into my touch, tears pooling in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry Tommy, I never thought, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way, I was thinking of you, I was trying to protect you, I’m sorry.”

He raised his hand and it captured mine against his face. “Talk to me Barbara. Whatever this is, we can face it together.”

I looked at my watch and sighed, “I can’t talk to you now, I will be late for my appointment.”

“I could come with you, if you would let me that is.”

I sighed again, I didn’t know how to explain, but I also knew that Tommy wouldn’t trust me if I tried to say that I would prefer to speak to him later.

“Please Barbara?”

“Okay, but you have to promise me that you won’t lose your temper with me; this is hard enough as it is.”

~*~

Her words shocked me. I couldn’t begin to think why she thought I would lose my temper with her, but she obviously needed reassurance. “I promise.”

Barbara turned away from me and began to walk towards the hospital entrance. I had to walk quickly to keep up with her. She didn’t talk, and I got the feeling that she wouldn’t welcome conversation so kept a companionable silence. I was determined not to do anything to upset her, not when I had only just found her again.

After walking along a maze of corridors we arrived at the radiology department. An icy terror began to grip my heart and desperate thoughts crowded my mind. Barbara seemed to know the reception staff well, and shared a smile and a joke with them before sitting down. I sat next to her and waited for her to speak.

“I suppose now is as good a time as any to have that talk. I had early stage cervical cancer. After discussions with my specialist I decided to have a hysterectomy. I’ve also had a course of radiotherapy. Today is my end of treatment follow-up appointment. My prognosis so far is good, and it looks like they have got it all. The reason I didn’t want you to know is because of what you went through with your dad. I’m sorry if the way I handled things hurt you; I had tunnel vision and could only see things my way, I didn’t think about how it would look to you, and I never meant to cause you pain the way Helen did.”

I wanted to say something to comfort her, but she seemed so together and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, so instead I reached for her hand and squeezed it gently.

“I’ve actually been quite lucky as far as side effects are concerned; I’m just permanently exhausted, although that is beginning to ease, and I’ve managed to keep my hair."

“I wish you had told me Barbara. I understand your reasons for not doing so, but I would have been there for you, I still will be if you will let me.”

“You’re here with me now.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended
> 
> This is still flowing like ketchup but, after watching 'Traitor to Memory' last night and then 'Missing Joseph' twice today (thank you Alibi!), a little inspiration struck. Thank you for sticking with this

I leant against the Bristol, raised my face to the heavens, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I felt Tommy take my hand and squeeze it gently.

“You okay?”

I opened my eyes and smiled at him, “Yeah; it’s just nice to hear something positive after all the doom and gloom. I mean, I know I’ll have more follow up appointments but, for the first time in ages, I feel like I can breathe without the crushing weight of terror sitting on my chest.”

Tommy took my other hand; “now I know, are you going to let me be there for you?”

“If you want to be. This changes everything though.”

He looked at me quizzically. “What do you mean?”

“In my plan, once I got to this stage, once my treatment was complete, I was going to move away and start my life over. I know, I wasn’t in any fit state to make those kind of decisions. All I did know was that I couldn’t let you see me. You went through a terrible time with your dad, and I saw what Terry’s illness did to my parents. I couldn’t do that to you, I couldn’t destroy anyone else. That’s why I had to disappear.”

“I understand, sort of, but I wish that you had spoken to me; I wish that you had given me the choice.”

“I wasn’t exactly being rational. I can see now that I was being foolish, but at the time, when I was in the eye of the storm, it all made sense.”

“Where have you been living?”

I looked down and muttered, “in a hotel near Shepherd’s Bush,” and then waited for Tommy to explode at me.

“We’re going to get your stuff and you’re coming home with me.”

His voice was controlled, but I could hear an edge to it and could tell he was biting down on a scathing retort. I smiled at him, “are you going to paint me duck white?”

He smiled back, and I was glad that my comment had diffused his anger and been taken in the spirit it had been meant.

“No, but I will empty all my cutlery drawers so that you have somewhere to keep your underwear.”

We both started laughing hard.

“A girl hides her knickers from her boss _once_ and she’s never allowed to forget it!”

“I thought perhaps it was an Acton thing because we aristocratic ponces get our servants to hide our underwear, and never in the kitchen!”

I playfully pushed Tommy, tears of laughter rolling down my face. How could I ever have thought that walking away from him and his friendship was the right thing to do? In the short time we had spent together he had made me laugh more than I had in months. I had even missed arguing with him! 

“So, do I need to follow you in your car or?”

“No, it finally gave up the ghost so I have been using public transport.”

“Okay, so let’s go and get your belongings, drop them off at the house, and then I think we should celebrate your good news with a pint and a portion of chips.”

“Finally something I do want to do!”

~*~

It was ridiculous, but during the night I had to keep checking the spare room to convince and reassure myself that Barbara was really there. To see her sleeping peacefully made my heart ache. She had been through hell, and I hated that she had felt she had to go through it alone in order to protect me.

Having her back in my life had also made me face up to the fact that I didn’t just need her as a friend. Barbara was everything to me; my reason for getting up in the morning, the reason that I hadn’t drunk myself to death, she was the love of my life. That said, I didn’t think she would welcome declarations of undying love at the moment. Barbara needed her best friend, and so that is who I would be.

~*~

I woke to find Tommy fast asleep in the armchair across from the bed. I propped myself up on my elbows and took the opportunity to study him. He looked tired, world weary, and once again I felt guilty for what I had put him through, even though, at the time, I had been sure I was doing the right thing. I was lucky that he had chosen to be so forgiving.

I crawled to the end of the bed, reached out and put my hand on his arm.

“Tommy?”

No response. I gripped his arm gently and tried again.

“Tommy?”

He began to stir, so I sat back and waited. 

He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands and then looked at me bashfully.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to invade your privacy, I just…”

I reached out to him again and took his hand in mine, “you have nothing to apologise for, I understand, but I promise you I am not going to just up and disappear. I know I haven’t given you much cause to believe me, but I also accept that I should have come to you and talked to you. I can’t take back what I did, but I’m sorry that my actions hurt you.”

“We don’t have to talk about it again, unless you want to that is.”

“Not really, but there are things that I need to think about, decisions that I need to make.”

I felt him unconsciously squeeze my hand tightly, and saw panic flash in his eyes.

“I told you Tommy, I’m not going to up and disappear, but I do need to take stock of my life. I can’t just sit around and live off what’s left of the proceeds of the sale of my flat; for a start there wasn’t that much left once I had paid off the mortgage, and I think I would go mad if I just sat around all day. Also, as much as I appreciate your kindness in letting me stay here, I can’t impose on you forever; you have your own life to lead and you won’t want me getting in the way.”

“You are never in the way, and you can stay here as long as you need, as long as you want. There’s no hurry for you to do anything, just take your time.”

“You’re very sweet, and thank you, but you have to be realistic. There are going to be times when you want the place to yourself, or if your mum or Judith visit, so you just need to tell me and I’ll get out of your way.” 

Tommy came and sat next to me on the bed. He put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me tightly.

“The room is yours for as long as you need it, no arguments. Now, how about we get some breakfast, you haven’t made me your Michelin starred toast in a very long time and I’ve missed it!”

I stuck my tongue out at him before we both dissolved into laughter. He helped me up from the bed and, still laughing, we headed downstairs to his kitchen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies again for the delay... ill health and job hunting do not help the muse!

I came home from work and found Barbara curled up on my sofa, distractedly flipping through a magazine. I walked over to her, put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently. She looked up at me and smiled.

“How was your day?”

I sat down next to her and sighed. “Do you want the truth?”

She placed the magazine on the seat next to her so that she could focus all of her attention on me. “Talk to me Tommy.” Her expression was one of concern.

I ran my fingers through my hair, “I hate it, it’s not the same without you. I don’t know if I really want to work at the MET anymore.”

“What is it that is bothering you? Has Hillier said or done something more annoying than usual?”

“It’s not that. When you and I were partners we worked well together, we worked as a team, we bounced ideas off each other. None of the team I have now will do a thing without asking my permission, they won’t challenge me, they need spoon feeding everything and it is driving me crazy. Even Winston looks at me as if I hold all the answers. Just for once I would like someone to say to me, ‘I think this Sir’ rather than ‘what do you want me to do Sir’.”

“So quit. If it is making you miserable then tell them where to stick the job. You don’t need to do it, and I am sure that you could find plenty of things to do with your time, what with the estate and your charitable interests. There’s no point in spending time doing something you loathe, life is too short, take it from someone who knows.”

“I’ve thought about it seriously on more than one occasion today.”

“Well, as I said to you a few years ago, you’re only twenty-eight days from the out. What’s stopping you?”

“It’s been a huge part of my life for such a long time; it’s where I first met you, where we first became friends…”

“Tommy, we’re still friends, we’ll always be friends. You don’t have to stay at the MET for us to remain friends. It wouldn’t be much of a friendship if the MET was the only thing holding us together. Stop hiding behind excuses and tell me what’s wrong.”

I got up and began to pace in front of her. She stood up and put her hands on my shoulders to stop me. Once she had got my attention, she guided me back to the sofa and then sat down next to me.

“Talk to me. Whatever is bothering you, it is obviously more than the job.”

I ran my fingers through my hair again, internally debating just how much I should say.

“You can tell me anything, and I do mean anything.”

“I don’t want to put any pressure on you Barbara, but what exactly is happening between us? I mean, I know that we keep telling each other that we are friends, but is that really all we are? I don’t think either of us are being honest about our relationship.”

I expected Barbara to either turn on me or run, but to her credit she did neither. “So be honest with me.”

I looked at her sharply, “and if I do?”

“I’ve asked you to tell me what’s wrong, I’ve asked you to tell me what is bothering you, now I’ve asked you to be honest with me. If I didn’t want to hear the truth do you think I would keep asking you to talk to me?”

“I’m in love with you. There, I’ve said it, and I can’t take it back. I have been in love with you for years, but I didn’t realise just how much you meant to me until I lost you. And now you’re going to tell me that you don’t feel the same and that I have ruined everything.”

“You don’t need to take it back, and you haven’t ruined anything.”

“But you don’t love me, not the way I love you.” I could hardly bear to look at her, afraid of what I might see.

“I do love you Tommy. I’ve loved you for years.”

Now I did risk looking at her. “You do?”

“Yes.”

“Really?” I could hardly believe what I was hearing.

Barbara laughed softly, “yes, yes, yes. Would you like proof?”

I smiled at her, “what sort of proof are you talking about?”

She smiled back, “you’re the detective inspector, what sort of proof would convince you?”

I slid off the sofa and onto one knee, taking her hand in mine. “Marry me?”

“I can’t give you children.”

“I don’t care. It isn’t important. All that matters is that we love each other. Marry me Barbara.”

She knelt down next to me, sliding her arms around me and resting her forehead against mine. She looked deep into my eyes, an expression that was full of love. “Then Tommy, my answer is yes.”


	4. Chapter 4

_Six months later..._

I closed the door and then pulled Barbara into my arms. “Finally we are alone Mrs Lynley.”

She stood on tiptoes and pressed her lips to mine, “I do love your family Tommy, but I was beginning to wonder if they were ever going to let us leave.”

“They’re happy that we’re happy.”

“I appreciate that, but it was as if they didn’t want us to have a wedding night. I’ve been waiting for this all day!”

“You’re insatiable!”

Barbara pouted at me, “and you’re complaining because?”

I swept her up into my arms and, carrying her, walked over to the bed. Kissing her passionately, I lowered her onto it and then sat down next to her. “I am definitely not complaining; I wouldn’t dare."

Barbara leaned back in my embrace and looked down at us both. “Do you know what’s wrong with this picture? We’re both wearing far too many clothes.”

Laughing we got off the bed and got undressed before collapsing back onto it again in a tangle of limbs. I loved the feel of her warm skin against mine, relishing her perfect body wrapped around me.

I pulled her leg over my hip to allow myself access to her hidden core. I stroked her with my fingers, dipping into her hot, wet channel. She writhed against me.

“Please Tommy, please?” She was desperate for me so I took pity of her desperation and slid home. Everything felt right, complete. “Oh God, yes!”

I began to move gently and slowly in and out of her as we kissed and caressed each other, exploring the other’s body. The more we touched, the more heated things became between us. Barbara rolled me onto my back and took control, riding me hard. I brought my hands up and fondled her breasts, kneading them and tweaking her nipples before bringing one hand down to worry her clit. She threw back her head and writhed against my talented fingers, both of us knowing she was so close to the edge.

As her orgasm hit I rolled us so that I was on top. I pounded in and out of her as she rode out her pleasure, the contraction of her internal muscles and the intensity of my thrusts bringing me to completion. With a guttural roar I emptied myself inside of her and then collapsed on top of her sweat slicked body. 

“It took us a long time to get here, but I'm glad we did. I love you Mrs Lynley,” I whispered softly.

“I love you too Tommy," she whispered in return.

Barbara wrapped her arms around me and held me close, I reached behind us and pulled the duvet up to keep us warm. She rested her forehead on my shoulder and then pressed a kiss against the damp flesh. We lay together in companionable silence, listening to our heart rates slowly returning to normal and dozing gently in each other’s warm embrace. It wasn’t long before we fell asleep, our bodies still intimately joined.


End file.
